Senior Breakfast

    We went out to breakfast. The waitress told us the "seniors' special"
    was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

    "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

    "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents  because
    you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

    "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked
    incredulously. "I'll take the special", she said.

    "How do you want your eggs?"

    "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

 

     She took the two eggs home.


     Lesson learned----- DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!

                                     They've been around the block more than once.
 

Alphabet for old folks

A for Arthritis, 
B for Bad Back, 
C is for Chest pains. Perhaps Cardiac? 
D is for Dental Decay and Decline, 
E is for Eyesight--can't read that top line. 
F is for Fissures and Fluid retention 
G is for Gas (which I'd rather not mention) 
H High blood pressure [I'd rather have low) 
I for Incisions with scars you can show. 
J is for Joints, that now fail to flex 
L for Libido--what happened to sex? 
  Wait! I forgot about K! 
K is for Knees that crack when they're bent 
  This brings us to M... (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent) 
N for Neurosis, pinched Nerves and stiff Neck 
O is for Osteo-and all bones that crack 
P for Prescriptions, I have quite a few . 
  Give me another Pill; I'll be good as new! 
Q is for Queasiness. Fatal or flu? 
R is for Reflux--one meal turns into two 
S is for Sleepless nights, counting my fears 
T for Tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears 
U is for Urinary: difficulties with flow 
V is for Vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know. 
W is Worry, now what's going 'round? 
X is for X-ray - and what might be found. 
Y for another Year I've left behind 
Z is for Zest that I still have my mind, I have survived 
all the symptoms my body's deployed,and kept twenty-six 
doctors gainfully employed!!! 

 

Did You See THAT at the Mall?

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall during the after Christmas sales. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Submitted By Jim Conlee
 

 

Reasons to Stay Away from Florida

A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in sunny Florida talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, "volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.

"THANK GOD WE CAN ALL DRIVE!"
Submitted By Jim Conlee

 

>> Subject: Old People are so funny!!!!
>>
>> Subject: Old People
>> Isn't This The Truth!
>>
>> A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a
>> senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their
>> generation to understand his. You grew up in a different world, the
>> student said ….  loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.
>> Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on
>> the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy,
>> electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ....
>> and uh...........Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer
>> said, You're right.  We didn't have those things when we were young; so
>> we invented them, you little twit!
>> What the hell are you doing for the next generation??
>> ?<>?<>?<>?
>>
>> OLD AGE
>> And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? the reporter
>> asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
>> ---------------------------------------
>> The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
>> -----------------------------------------
>> Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
>> elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"  "98" she replied.
>> "Two years older than me."
>> "So you're 96" the undertaker commented.
>> She responded "Hardly worth going home is it?"
>> -------------------------------------------
>> I've sure gotten old.  I've had 2 by-pass surgeries.  A hip replacement,
>> new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.  I'm half blind, can't
>> hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
>> that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with
>> dementia.  Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
>> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....
      Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
>> ---------------------------------------------
>> A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want
     my sex drive lowered."
>> "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97.  Don't you think your sex drive
       is all in your head?"
>> "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
>> "That's why I want it lowered!"
>> ----------------------------------------------
>> God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway,
      the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
>> difference.
>> ----------------------------------------------
>> An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her
>> final requests.
>> She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
>> cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
>> "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
>> "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
>> ?<>?<>?<>?-----------------------------------------

>> The reality of aging:
>> An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
>> pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
>> The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into
>> four pieces."
>> Upon hearing that the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That
>> won't get you through sex."
>> The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old, and I don't even
>> think about sex anymore.  I just want it to stick out far enough so I
>> don't.............pee on my shoes."
>>
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
>> Deficit Disorder.
>> This is how it manifests:
>> I decide to wash my car.
>> As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall
>> table.
>> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>> I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
>> under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
>> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
>> first.
>> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
>> the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
>> I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
>> left.
>> My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I
>> find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
>> I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside
>> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>> I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
>> refrigerator to keep it cold.
>> As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the
>> counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
>> I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
>> that I've been searching for all morning.
>> I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
>> the flowers.
>> I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
>> and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
>> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
>> remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
>> to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
>> flowers.
>> I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
>> So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
>> the spill.
>> Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
>> At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
      there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't
      watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote,
      I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

>> Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
>> baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
>> I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
>> it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
>> Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
>> because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
>> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

>>
>> GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
>> GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
>> LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
>>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Life rolls on , some faster and some slower, to each their own.---
>>
>> Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
>> State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
>> himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
>> his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that
>> there are five old ladies --two in the front seat and three in the back
     - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
>> The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
>> understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
>> problem?"
>> "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know
>> that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
>> drivers."
>> "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed
>> limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
>> proudly.
>> The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
>> that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
>> A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
      pointing out her error.
>> "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car
>> ok ? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
>> peep this whole time." the officer asks.

>> "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
>>
>> ?<>?<>?<>?-----------------------------------------------------------

>> Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the
>> lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and
     said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have
>> sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked
>> surprised but didn't say a word.

     The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there,

     but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,
     and give you the most romantic evening.

>> The female didn't answer but after a couple minutes, starts digging
>> down in her purse.

      She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice

      Romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Hell, no," replies the
      old lady.

>> "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
>>
>> ?<>?<>?<>?-----------------------------------------------------
>> The Nursing Home
>> A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,
>> hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed
>> her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
>> overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while
>> she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses
>> immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
>> Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over
>> to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back
>> upright. This went on all morning.
>> Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her
>> new home.
>> "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
>> "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
>> ?<>?<>?<>?
Submitted By Bill Bolin

 

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist, "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.

Subj:       30 Years makes a difference 
Date:       8/30/2004 9:33:38 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      JKCONLEE
To:          SPOACDC1

 30 Years makes a difference
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair


1973: KEG
2003: EKG


1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux


1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm


1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor



1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM


1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian


1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint


1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones


1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office


1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system


1973: Disco
2003: Costco


1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test


1973: Whatever
2003: Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mind set of this year's incoming freshmen.  Here's this year's list:


The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".



They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet?  Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.  Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

 

> From North Arkansas
> E-mail From Don
> Subject: Victoria's Secret

> A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie
> for
> his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
> in
> price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
>
> He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
> He
> presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
> it
> for him.
>
> Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
> as
> well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it
> tomorrow - and get a $500 refund for myself.
>
> So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
>
> The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron
> it!"
>
> His funeral is Tuesday.
>
 

E-mail From: Jim Conlee (jkconlee@aol.com )

Do You Have A.A.A.D.D. ?

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

… As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

… I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

… I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

… So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

… But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

… I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

… My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

… I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

… As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

… I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

… I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

… I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

… Someone left it on the kitchen table.

… I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

… I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

… So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

… Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

… At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

… Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

… I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

… Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

… Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

 

E-Mail From: Nordc 6-27-04

"LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SLIDE IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, AND LOUDLY PROCLAIMING - WOW - WHAT A RIDE!!!"
 

 

Subject: Changes in Life as you age

             1974: Long hair
             2004: Longing for hair

             1974: The perfect high
             2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund

             1974: KEG
             2004: EKG

             1974: Acid rock
             2004: Acid reflux

             1974: Moving to California because it's cool
             2004: Moving to California because it's warm

             1974: Growing pot
             2004: Growing pot belly

             1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
             Taylor
             2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
             Taylor

             1974: Seeds and stems
             2004: Roughage

             1974: Killer weed
             2004: Weed killer

             1974: Hoping for a BMW
             2004: Hoping for a BM

             1974: The Grateful Dead
             2004: Dr. Kevorkian

             1974: Going to a new, hip joint
             2004: Receiving a new hip joint

             1974: Rolling Stones
             2004: Kidney Stones

             1974: Being called into the principal's office
             2004: Calling the principal's office

             1974: Screw the system
             2004: Upgrade the system

             1974: Disco
             2004: Costco

             1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
             2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

             1974: Passing the driver's test
             2004: Passing the vision test

             1974: Whatever
             2004: Depends

             Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this  will
            certainly  change things :

            The people who are starting college this fall across  the
            nation were  born in 1986. They are too young to remember the
            space shuttle blowing up.

            Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

            Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

            The CD was introduced the year they were born.

            They have always had an answering machine.

            They have always had cable.

            They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

            Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

            Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

            They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

            They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are!

            They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

            They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
            Camel",  or "de plane Boss, de plane".

             They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who  J. R.
            even is.

             McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

             They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

            Do you feel old yet?

      "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I
      would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say:  I used
      everything you gave me." - Erma Bombeck.
Submitted By Bill Bolin


Senior to young employee:

 If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.>

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.

This is the new retirement program.  I call it the 401Keg program.

Submitted By TFoster