Senior Moments
Don't Ever Give Up!
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Crabby Old Man
When an old man
died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, it
was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found
this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were
made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to
Missouri. The old
man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition
of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A
slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent,
poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the
author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . .. when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, . . . . ... not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . ... with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food . . . . . ..... and makes no reply .
When you say in a loud voice . .. . . "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice . .. . the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . . . a sock or a shoe?
Who, resisting or not . .. . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding. .. . . the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . you're not looking at me..
I'll tell you who I am. . . as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . . who love one another.
A young boy of sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he'll meet..
A groom soon at twenty ... . . .my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . .. . that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five, now . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . and a secure happy home.
A man of thirty . . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . With ties that should last...
At forty, my young sons . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . .. to see I don't mourn.
At fifty, once more, . . babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . .. . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . .my wife is now dead...
I look at the future . .. . .. shudder with dread...
For my young are all rearing . . .. young of their own.
And I think of the years,. and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles ... . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . .. . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again .. . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . .. . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . ... open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer .. .. see ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush
aside without looking at the young soul within .. . . .. we will all, one
day, be there, too!
PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart.
Submitted By Kirk Brookshire
SENIOR BUS TOURS:
A tour bus driver is
driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his
shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which
he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old
lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
It pays to be careful around old people!!!
Submitted By: Walt Snell
SERENITY 
Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief"
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference..
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.. Oh
heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
HAVE A GREAT 2010
Submitted By: Neeliejo
Good Morning
If you are an Elvis fan you will get a giggle out of this.
Life is great for those who can put on a happy face and remember yester years!!!!!!!!!!!
If your are too young for this, then it's for your MOM
JUST THINK, ELVIS WOULD BE 74 THIS YEAR!
If Elvis had lived longer, he possibly would have rewritten,
'Are You Lonesome Tonight'
Here's how it might have turned out.
Click on the sentence below.
Are You Lonesome Tonight (Senior Citizen Version)
ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)
Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does
your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is
your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does
your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is
your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All
that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.
If
it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When
you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He
was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you
lonesome tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.
Submitted By Dev Jones
Wisdom Of A Retiree!!
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do
now that you're retired? Well......I'm fortunate to have a chemical
engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning
beer, wine, scotch, and margaritas into urine.
Submitted By Barry Johnson
OK, ALL YOU OLD DRIP CUPERS
WITH OUR NEW SECONDARY AARP INSURANCE WE NOW GET FREE GYM MEMBERSHIP WITH NO MONTHLY CHARGES, YOU CAN USE ALL FACILITY'S AND THEY WILL SET YOU UP ON A WORKOUT PROGRAM AT NO CHARGE.....DAMN, MADE ME GET THE CHILLS!!!
SO CHECK OUT http://www.silversneakers.com/ PUT IN YOUR ZIP CODE IT WILL FIND YOU A GYM AND IT SHOWS WHICH INSURANCE COMPANIES QUALIFY......GOOD STUFF
Barry
Old Drip Cup
Submitted By Barry Johnson
Men Never Stop Thinking About It!
This is
toooo funny!!!!!!!!!
Watch the guy on the left.
Baby-boomers: Here's a good one that I think most can easily relate to.
Submitted By: Alex Gray
I HOPE YOU DANCE!
I think she was a GM employee. Do you remember her?
Ethel the Wheelchair Demon
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Wagoner stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Lutz popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Lutz nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Roger stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief, "yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
God Bless GM And All Of Its Folks!!!!
Submitted By Charles Coleman
The dangers of topless sunbathing for older women........
Click Picture To Enlarge
Submitted By Charles Coleman
Elvis Wants To Know"Are You Lonesome Tonight?"
Submitted By Charles Coleman
RETIRED
GUY...
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5
MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.
I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A
BREAK"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.
I CALLED HIM A NAME.
HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN
TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME.
HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE
FIRST.
THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
THE MORE I ABUSED I HIM, THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE.
MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER .
THIS ONE HAD A "HILLARY IN '08" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE.
Click Below:
Thought that you would love this chuckle. Jim Conlee
JKCONLEE@aol.com
This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of
Sarasota, Florida...
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She
dropped
her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the
top
of her voice, I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of
the car!!!!
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and
ran like mad.
The
lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's
seat.
She
was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried
and tried, and then it dawned on her why.....For the same reason
she did
not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs
in
the front seat...
A
few minutes later, she found her own car parked four
or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and
drove
to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom
she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the
counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad,
elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses,
curly white hair and carrying large handgun No charges were filed.
MORAL OF THE STORY? If you're going to have a Senior Moment,
make it
memorable!
Click Wine Glass To Really Remember The Good Old Days!
Click Picture To Learn about The Perfect Couple?
For the first time in history they were able to make
a scan of the male brain .
Click Picture To Make It Dance!
What
Men See When They Drink Too Much BEER!
Click Picture To See More Benefits Of Drinking Beer In Your Later Years!
You are bound to love this one. And, if you are not a Senior, you'd wish
that you were one.
Click This Link:
http://www.libertyhigh56.net/special%20pages/seniors/seniors.htm
Don't know whether you've seen this one, Jack, but thought you'd like it. I sure can relate . . .
Linda Eaves
A Biker And His Babe!
Click Picture To Enlarge
Click Picture To Enlarge
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out
dead; get
that out of the way. You wake up in an old age home, feeling better
every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your
pension, and when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You party hardy, and you get ready for High School. You go
to primary school,
You become a kid,
You lay,
You have no responsibilities,
You become a baby, then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like
central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and
finally... You finish off as an orgasm.
It's got to be better this way 'cause this getting old sucks!
We went out to breakfast. The waitress told us the "seniors' special"
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because
you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked
incredulously. "I'll take the special", she said.
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
Lesson learned----- DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!
Submitted By Harry Mundy
Click Picture To Enlarge
Everyone is getting into the "Senior" thing! Welcome Old Squirrel!!!
Submitted By Swede Johnson gcj_1940@yahoo.com
A Wild Friday Night at
Our House
HOW TRUE IT IS (scroll down)
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
to put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind
just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends homes,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
and after-funeral! brunche s.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were happy.
Now we suffer body aches
and sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get backaches
from riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
for new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
all the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too darn old!!
Submitted By:
VanEskridge@webtv.net
-
OLD AGE
-
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
-
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your
own Easter eggs.
-
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up
to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?"
"98," she replied. Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
-
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a
hip replacement, and new knees. I've fought prostate
cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I
have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, and can
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92, and have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
-
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told
her preacher she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
to be scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
-
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
-
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles
fill out.
-
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose.
Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
-
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffee maker!
-
The good news is that even as we get older, guys
still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have
to squat down first.
-
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."
-
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes.
Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
-
Don't let aging get you down.
It's too hard to get back up.
-
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old;
you grow old because you stop laughing.
-
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
Submitted By Jim Conlee jkconlee@aol.com
Car
- IF MY BODY WERE A
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as little MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams.
My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Submitted By Henry Salgado
Did You Remember?
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
Wife: "Where are you going dear?"
Husband: "To the kitchen"
Wife: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
Husband: "Sure."
Wife: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember
it?"
Husband: "No, I can remember that!"
Wife: "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write
it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
Husband: "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
Wife: "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget
that, so you'd better write it down."
Husband: "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream!"
He then grumbles all the way to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
Submitted By John Conlee
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."
Submitted By Brenda Delawder
Thought for
the day!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.!!!
Some
"Senior" personal ads seen in
Florida
newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and
belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking
for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY
NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks,
corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to
play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.
MINT
CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Life is Good !
Submitted By Allen Lamberson
George Carlin's Views on Aging:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is
when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about
aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a
half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
like
bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're
just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it,
you
REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I
Was
JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little
kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
Workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who
is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments
that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?
But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest
each day
Sumitted By
albert.j.komin@gm.com
Subject: Julie Andrew's favorite things have aged
To commemorate her 69th birthday last October 1, actress/vocalist
Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the
entertainment
of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs ™ and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
AND THEN I DON'T FEEEEEL SOOO BAD!
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores.
Submitted By Jim Conlee
Seniors are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
They have:
Silver in their hair.
Gold in their teeth.
Stones in their kidneys.
Lead in their feet.
and
They are loaded with natural gas.
Submitted By Paul Pucci
Alphabet for old folks:
A for Arthritis, B for Bad Back, C is for Chest pains. Perhaps Cardiac? D is for Dental Decay and Decline, E is for Eyesight--can't read that top line. F is for Fissures and Fluid retention G is for Gas (which I'd rather not mention) H High blood pressure [I'd rather have low) I for Incisions with scars you can show. J is for Joints, that now fail to flex L for Libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K! K is for Knees that crack when they're bent This brings us to M... (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent) N for Neurosis, pinched Nerves and stiff Neck O is for Osteo-and all bones that crack P for Prescriptions, I have quite a few . Give me another Pill; I'll be good as new! Q is for Queasiness. Fatal or flu? R is for Reflux--one meal turns into two S is for Sleepless nights, counting my fears T for Tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears U is for Urinary: difficulties with flow V is for Vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know. W is Worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X-ray - and what might be found. Y for another Year I've left behind Z is for Zest that I still have my mind, I have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,and kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
Submitted By Brenda Delawder
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter>
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
And The Number One Sign You've Joined A Very Cheap Health Care Plan:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Submitted By Bill Gay
Did You See THAT at the Mall?
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall during the after
Christmas sales. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back
together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to
watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped
out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Submitted By Jim Conlee
Reasons to Stay Away from Florida
A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in sunny Florida talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, "volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.
"THANK GOD WE CAN ALL DRIVE!"
Submitted By Jim Conlee
>> Subject: Old People are so funny!!!!
>>
>> Subject: Old People
>> Isn't This The Truth!
>>
>> A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a
>> senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for
their
>> generation to understand his. You grew up in a different world,
the
>> student said …. loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.
>> Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has
walked on
>> the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear
energy,
>> electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing
....
>> and uh...........Taking advantage of a pause in the student's
litany, the geezer
>> said, You're right. We didn't have those things when we were
young; so
>> we invented them, you little twit!
>> What the hell are you doing for the next generation??
>> ?<>?<>?<>?
>>
>> OLD AGE
>> And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? the
reporter
>> asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
>> ---------------------------------------
>> The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
>> -----------------------------------------
>> Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very
>> elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98" she
replied.
>> "Two years older than me."
>> "So you're 96" the undertaker commented.
>> She responded "Hardly worth going home is it?"
>> -------------------------------------------
>> I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 by-pass surgeries. A hip
replacement,
>> new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind,
can't
>> hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications
>> that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts
with
>> dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore.
>> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....
Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
>> ---------------------------------------------
>> A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I
want
my sex drive lowered."
>> "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex
drive
is all in your head?"
>> "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
>> "That's why I want it lowered!"
>> ----------------------------------------------
>> God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked
anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight
to tell the
>> difference.
>> ----------------------------------------------
>> An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and
make her
>> final requests.
>> She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted
to be
>> cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
>> "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
>> "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
>> ?<>?<>?<>?-----------------------------------------
>> The reality of aging:
>> An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
>> pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
>> The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into
>> four pieces."
>> Upon hearing that the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.
That
>> won't get you through sex."
>> The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old, and I don't
even
>> think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough
so I
>> don't.............pee on my shoes."
>>
>>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated
Attention
>> Deficit Disorder.
>> This is how it manifests:
>> I decide to wash my car.
>> As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the
hall
>> table.
>> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>> I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trash can
>> under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
>> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
trash
>> first.
>> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out
>> the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
>> I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one
check
>> left.
>> My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I
>> find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
>> I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside
>> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>> I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it
in the
>> refrigerator to keep it cold.
>> As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on
the
>> counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
>> I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses
>> that I've been searching for all morning.
>> I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water
>> the flowers.
>> I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water
>> and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
>> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking
for the
>> remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide
>> to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the
>> flowers.
>> I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the
floor.
>> So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and
wipe up
>> the spill.
>> Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning
to do.
>> At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't
watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I
can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with
the car keys.
>> Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really
>> baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really
tired.
>> I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for
>> it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
>> Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know,
>> because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
>> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
>>
>> GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
>> GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
>> LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
>>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Life rolls on , some faster and some slower, to each their
own.---
>>
>> Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a
>> State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He
thinks to
>> himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he
turns on
>> his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he
notices that
>> there are five old ladies --two in the front seat and three in
the back
- eyes wide and white as ghosts.
>> The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
>> understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be
the
>> problem?"
>> "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you
should know
>> that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other
>> drivers."
>> "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the
speed
>> limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a
bit
>> proudly.
>> The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her
>> that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
>> A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
>> "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in
this car
>> ok ? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single
>> peep this whole time." the officer asks.
>> "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119."
>>
>>
?<>?<>?<>?-----------------------------------------------------------
>> Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting
alone in the
>> lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over
and
said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for
$5 I'll have
>> sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old
lady looked
>> surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there,
but for $20 I'll take
you back to my room, light some candles,
and give you the most romantic evening.
>> The female didn't answer but after a couple minutes, starts
digging
>> down in her purse.
She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice
Romantic evening in my room," says the
old man. "Hell, no," replies the
old lady.
>> "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
>>
>> ?<>?<>?<>?-----------------------------------------------------
>> The Nursing Home
>> A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and
left her,
>> hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathed
>> her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window
>> overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a
while
>> she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive
nurses
>> immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
>> Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to
tilt over
>> to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought
her back
>> upright. This went on all morning.
>> Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting
to her
>> new home.
>> "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
>> "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
>> ?<>?<>?<>?
Submitted By Bill Bolin
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist, "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.
Submitted By Bill Gay
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no! little children of her
own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to
see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if
they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why
we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How
come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't! mind if we ask for
the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time
with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers
with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE
JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK
TO THE AIRPORT.''
Send this to other grandparents. It will make their day.
God gives us free will! What we do with it is up to us.
Peace be with you!
Submitted By Jim Conlee
----- >
----- Draft the Old Guys
>>> If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country
>>> track down those responsible for killing thousands
>>> of innocent people in New York City and Washington,
>>> DC, but, I'm over 55 now and the Armed Forces say
>>> I'm too old to track down terrorists.
>>> You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the
>>> whole thing backwards. Instead of sending
>>> 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old
>>> guys.
>>>
>>> You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least
>>> 35. For starters:
>>>
>>> Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every
>>> 10 seconds.
>>>
>>> Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a
>>> day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds
>>> per day to concentrate on the enemy.
>>>
>>> Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky,
>>> and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we
>>> can't kill the enemy, we'll complain them into
>>> submission. My back hurts!, I'm hungry! Where's the
>>> remote control?
>>>
>>> An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you
>>> shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough
>>> to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other
>>> hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the
>>> time he's 55 and a jaunt through the desert heat
>>> with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the
>>> old beer belly.
>>>
>>> An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before
10 a.m.
>>> Old guys get up early (5
a.m.) every morning to pee.
>>>
>>> If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans
>>> because we'd probably forget where we put them. In
>>> fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
>>> brainteaser.
>>> Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys.
>>> We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we
>>> actually like soft food. We've also developed a
>>> deep appreciation for pistols and rifles. We like
>>> them almost better than naps.
>>>
They
could lighten up on the obstacle course
>>> however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single
>>> 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor
>>> did I ever do any pushups after completing basic
>>> training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, Get
>>> down and give me...er...one.;
>>> And the running part is kind of a waste of energy.
>>> I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
>>>
>>> An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
>>> He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a
>>> conversation, and to wear pants without the top of
>>> his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking
>>> out.
>>> He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue
>>> catches food
>>> particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back
>>> seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.
>>>
>>> All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn
>>> a little more about life before sending them off to
>>> possible death.
>>> Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten
>>> cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The
>>> last thing the enemy would want to see right now is
>>> a couple of million old coots with attitudes.
>>>
>>> Share this with your senior friends (It's purposely
>>> in big type for us old guys...) Submitted By Don D.
Subj:
30 Years makes a difference
Date:
8/30/2004 9:33:38 AM Central Daylight Time
From:
JKCONLEE
To:
SPOACDC1
30 Years makes a difference
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for
hair
1973:
KEG
2003: EKG
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to
California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California
because it's warm
1973: Trying to
look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look
like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Hoping for
a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The
Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a
new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip
joint
1973: Rolling
Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being
called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the
principal's office
1973: Screw the
system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents
begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you
to get their heads shaved
1973: Passing the
drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision
test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you
weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at
Beloit
College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty
a sense of the mind set of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's
this year's list:
The people who
are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime
has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have
always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was
introduced the year they were born.
They have always
had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot
fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has
always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has
always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a
swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't
imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know
who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard:
"Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane
Boss, de plane".
They do not care
who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never
came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a
clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old
yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the
larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
> From North Arkansas
> E-mail From Don
> Subject: Victoria's Secret
> A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer
lingerie
> for
> his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500
> in
> price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
>
> He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the
lingerie home.
> He
> presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model
> it
> for him.
>
> Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might
> as
> well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and
return it
> tomorrow - and get a $500 refund for myself.
>
> So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
>
> The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at
least iron
> it!"
>
> His funeral is Tuesday.
>
E-mail From: Jim Conlee (jkconlee@aol.com )
Do You Have A.A.A.D.D. ?
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
… As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
… I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
… I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
… So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
… But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
… I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left
… My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
… I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
… As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
… I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
… I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
… I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
… Someone left it on the kitchen table.
… I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
… I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
… So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
… Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
… At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
… Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
… I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
… Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
… Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
E-Mail From: Nordc 6-27-04
"LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SLIDE IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, AND LOUDLY PROCLAIMING - WOW - WHAT A RIDE!!!"
Subj:
Senior Moments
Date:
6/26/2004 4:09:53 PM Central Daylight Time
From:
pog1493@infionline.net
To:
Spoacdc1@aol.com
Jack, Here’s one that fits the “Senior Moments” section.
Click Here: http://webs.lanset.com/lindenschmitt/epix/OverTheHillSwing.htm
Regards,
Alex & Patsy
O Gray
pog1493@infionline.net
Subj:
Exercise for Seniors
Date:
6/14/2004 8:30:56 PM Central Daylight Time
From:
dbrice@mindspring.com Don Brice
To:
SPOACDC1@aol.com
Sent from the Internet (Details)
NEW EXERCISE PROGRAM
FOR SENIORS
Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You
might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE
STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
NOW SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP...
That's enough for the first day
We don't want to overdo it!!!
Jack,
I think I have seen this one before, but thought you might enjoy.
This is a true example of what human kindness is all about. Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the luncheon as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School;
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said kiss my a--!
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna Walters
Submitted By Don Brice
Subject: A Florida Story
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
“This is
great,” he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the
pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror
and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and
siren blaring.
“I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he
tromped
it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120
mph.
Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of
thing.”
He
pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch-up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
“Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 10 minutes,
it’s
Friday and I have the weekend off. If you can give me a reason why you
were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man
looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with
a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”
Submitted By Ron Humerickhouse
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE
OLDER
1. Sag, you're it
2. Hide and go pee
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Musical recliners
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on
them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don'
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber
today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking
lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
6. A Friend is Like a Good Bra -- Hard to Find,
Supportive,
Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Submitted By Don Brice
74-Year-Old Survives Attack by Alligator
SANIBEL, Fla. (April 22) - A 74-year-old woman survived an attack by a nearly 10-foot-long alligator that bit her on the leg and arm and dragged her into a lake.
Jane C. Keefer was stable and in good condition at HealthPark Medical Center early Thursday, hospital officials said.
Police said Keefer was attacked at about 8 p.m. Wednesday as she was gardening near the bank behind her home.
Bitten first on the leg, Keefer was able to fight the alligator off, Sanibel Police Chief Bill Tomlinson said.
The reptile lunged at her a second time, biting her arm and dragging her into the water, before her husband, William, was able to help her get away, said Lar Gregory, an investigator with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.
Authorities captured the alligator at 10:45 p.m. behind Keefer’s home. It will be destroyed.
“This is the kind of gator that will kill you,” said trapper John French.
Don't mess with the old Ladies!
How To Get Out of A Ticket:
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers
please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic
bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car
and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half! drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The
woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer
is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a
driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
Submitted By James Conlee
Benefits of age
> A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it
> true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be
> taken for the rest of my life?"
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
> There was a moment of silence before the senior lady
replied, "I'm
> wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This
prescription
> is marked 'NO
REFILLS'."
>
> -----------------------------------------
> Geriatric humor
>
> An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating
table awaiting
> surgery and he insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the
> operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he
asked to speak
> to his son. "Yes, Dad,
what is it?"
> "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember,
if it
> doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your
mother is
> going to come and live
with you and your wife...."
>
> -----------------------------------------
> Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about
> your age and start
bragging about it.
>
> ------------------------------------------
> The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in
line for.
>
> ------------------------------------------
> Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I
want
> people to know "why" I look this
way. I've traveled a long way and some
of the roads weren't paved.
>
> --------------------------------------------
> How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are!
?
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to
youth,
> think of Algebra.
>
> ---------------------------------------------
> You know you are getting old when everything either
dries up or
> leaks.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to
the top.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> One of the many things no one tells you about aging is
that it is
> such a nice change from being young.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you
forget to
> pull up your zipper. It's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
>
>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
> Two women met for the first time since graduating from
high school.
> One asked the other, "You were always so organized in
school, Did you
> manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her
friend. "My
> first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage
was to an
> actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm
married to an
> undertaker."
> Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do
with a well
> planned life?"
>
> "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four
> to go."
>Submitted By Bonnie Miller
Subject: Changes in Life as you age
1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair
1974: The perfect high
2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1974: KEG
2004: EKG
1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux
1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm
1974: Growing pot
2004: Growing pot belly
1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
Taylor
1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage
1974: Killer weed
2004: Weed killer
1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM
1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian
1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint
1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones
1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office
1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system
1974: Disco
2004: Costco
1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1974: Passing the driver's test
2004: Passing the vision test
1974: Whatever
2004: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this
will
certainly change things :
The people who are starting college this fall across
the
nation were born in 1986. They are too young to
remember the
space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are!
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile
for a
Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who
J. R.
even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope
that I
would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say: I
used
everything you gave me." - Erma Bombeck.
Submitted By Bill Bolin
Senior to young employee:
If
you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be
worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the
stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10
cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.>
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily
and
recycle.
This is the new retirement program. I call it the 401Keg program.
Submitted By TFoster
THE PERKS OF BEING 50+
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list
Submitted By Don Brice
There is a story about a popular young
Baptist preacher, who
on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will
not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one
wants him to leave.
Brother William (Bubba) Scoles, who owns several car dealer-
ships, stands up and announces, “If the preacher stays, I’ll
provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife
with a minivan, to transport their children!” The congregation
amens, and applauds.
Brother Billy Bob Tindall, the entrepreneur and investor,
stands and says, “If the preacher stays, I’ll double his
salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college
education of his children!!” More amens and applause.
Senior Sister Ella May Rouse, aged 70, stands and announces, “If the
preacher stays, I’ll give him sex!”
There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, “Sister Ella
May, whatever possessed you to say that?”
Senior Sister Ella May answers, “I just asked my husband how we
could
help, and he said, ‘Screw the preacher.’
Submitted By Senior Don Brice
1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top..
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps!
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in
a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin
ANSWERS --------------------------------------
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with an eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.
SCORING ----------------------------------------
17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER!
12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!
Submitted By Ron Humerickhouse
SUPER GRANNY---DEFENDER OF JUSTICE - lol - Thought you might get a chuckle out of what we all have to look forward to. Just some sooner than others..... > > > >SUPER GRANNY---DEFENDER OF JUSTICE > >- true story Reported on the news in the USA Today (true or not, it’s funny).
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, she found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice. “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.The sergeant to whom she told the story doubled over on the floor with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. .....ah, senior moments...
Submitted BY Brenda Delawder
I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow,
a week
from now, a month from now, a year from now.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and
four-year old
grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred,
and his
step faltered.
The family ate together at the table. But the
elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating
difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son. I’ve had
enough
of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There,
Grandfather
ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since
Grandfather had
broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometime he had
a tear in
his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the
couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or
spilled
food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before
supper, the
father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on
the floor. He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?” Just
as
sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you
and Mama to eat
your food in when I grow up.” The four-year-old smiled and went
back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then
tears
started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken,
both knew what
must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him
back to
the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate
every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband
nor wife
seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or
the
tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I’ve learned that, no matter what happens, how
bad it
seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way
he/she handles
three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree
lights.
I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you’ll
miss them when they’re gone from your life.
I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making
a “life.”
I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s
mitt on both
hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But,
if you
focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work
and doing the
very best you can, happiness will find you.
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually
make the right decision.
I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch—holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly
pat on the back.
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I’ve learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about.
Submitted By
Todd
Subject: Food For Thought!
The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it . "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing. Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less.
Submitted By Jake
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead? "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend it on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked."What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the Senior man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific Christmas dinner cooked by my wife."
The older homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The Senior man replied, "That's okay. I want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
Submitted By Don Brice
1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the
second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
5. Why do they call it a TV set . when you only have one?
6. Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," when we're already there?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?
9. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
10. When we say something is out of whack, what is a whack?
11. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why do we put suits in garment bags, and garments in a suitcase?
14. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light?"
15. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Submitted By Ron Humerickhouse
Submitted By Wthabulit
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths, " instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Submitted By Jake
Alzheimer's Test --
Count the "F's" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...(see below)
Managed it ?
Scroll down only after you have counted them, okay?
How many ? 3?
Wrong, there are 6 !!--no joke.
Read it again.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what ? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends--it drives them crazy
From Wthabulit
NO NURSING HOME FOR ME!
With the average cost for a Nursing Home reaching $188.00 per
day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old &
feeble. I
have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined
long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23
per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in
any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special
TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge,
washer, dryer,etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo
and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of
tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.. There is
city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will
also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people,
call a Church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. . The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.
The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life . And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grand kids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? So when I reach the Golden age, I’ll face it with a grin- Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday_Inn!
And I have long term care insurance.
Submitted By Dan Everett
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A senior staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
booth, sits
down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention
but the senior continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds
three times
on the wall.The senior mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no
paper on this
side either"....
D.R. Gans
Subject: WHEN I EARN MY RETARDMENT.
WHEN I EARN MY RETARDMENT...(Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this)A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:We always spent our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games there and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.Submitted By Charles Coleman
Some people might say, "Who would want to be 90? And I say, "Anyone who is 89."
Phyllis Diller on "Larry King Live"
Seems that senior citizens are
afraid of 3 kind of AIDs -- rolaids, bandaids, and hearing aids.
What is the best birth control method for senior citizens> Nudity!
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
OLD ALCOHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS
never die, they just get wasted
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter
This 90 year old man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he wants his sex life lowered. The doctor looks at him and asked him how old he is. The man replied "I am 90 years old." The doctor said that's ridiculous for a man of your age to ask that his sex life be lowered. It's all in your head. The man replied "I know that's why I want it lowered." -- thanks to F Booher
-The eyes are the 2nd to go...I forget the first...
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see
the
sandwich."
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up,
he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a
nail.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man
who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Submitted By Don Brice
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